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Used to be

I seem to spend a fair bit of time thinking of what I used to be.  I used to be a very independent woman. I used to go out working daily. I used to be working at building a career. I used to be one of those seemingly rare women who bought a home, on her own, without a man. I didn’t think it was that big a deal but a lot of people. did.  I had my dream job, and let it go. I didn’t realize it was my dream job.  I did account management. I maintained all the advertising, including ad designs, photography, kept track of industry magazines to place ads. I interviewed and chose and worked with a company to design the companies web page. I convinced the president of the company we needed a web page. I was the assistant to the president of the company in regards to anything sales wise. I did travel arrangements. I traveled every month to meet with clients.  I did conventions. That is just off the top of my head.   I loved this job. I really did. I didn’t realize how much I did love this job until I left to make more money.  I loved the multi-task aspect. I was never bored.

Sometimes, sitting here watching Thomas the Tank Engine or Winnie the Pooh or Handy Manny, I have to remind myself that I used to be someone. I love being a mom. I love my son. I truly feel that the job I am doing now is more fulfilling and meaningful then anything I have done in the past. It will mean more for the future world too. But, I look at my life, no money, limited access to the outside world. Sitting in a foreign country.  Knowing there is always a chance I may never see my mom again as she is ill. I let my mind wander back in time to remember that once, a long time ago, people took me seriously.  I was not just a frumpy mommy who cant shift the weight.  My thoughts and opinions mattered.  People looked me in the eye.

If I could go back to that time I don’t think I would. I am a different person now. I wouldn’t want to not have my son. I do think that in the future I will have to make my own life again. I will have to get back to the point where people look me in the eye. Where I feel independent again.  I am good at creating what I want. Its just figuring out what it is I want.

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